It's the middle of summer.

When you're spending time in such heat that just going outside makes you sweat, do you find yourself feeling a little more irritable and irritable than usual?

This time, we will consider the emotion of anger.

As an adult, should you suppress your anger?

It would be great if we could spend every day filled with happy and fun things, but in reality, there are times when things get frustrating.

For example, at work, you may be blamed for a colleague's mistake, or your boss may treat you unreasonably.

To varying degrees, I'm sure everyone feels angry.

In such a situation, if you are an adult, would it be better to just hold back your anger and let it go?

To put it simply, the answer is NO.

It's okay to express feelings of anger.

That said, as adults, we have probably experienced how expressing anger based on our emotions can cause strain in our relationships.

Some people may want to avoid this and consciously or unconsciously try to suppress their anger by thinking, "It's childish to get angry about something like this."

However, just as the words "joy, anger, sorrow, and happiness" all contain the word "anger," anger is one of the natural emotions that humans have.

Unexpressed anger can lead to frustration, which can lead to stress and even aggression.

Even anger can be expressed assertively!

So how should we express our anger?

The key here is "assertion," a form of self-expression that values ​​both yourself and others, which I introduced in my previous column .

Being assertive means being okay with who you are.

So it's okay to accept negative emotions like anger and sadness. It's okay to feel angry when you want to.

However, as mentioned above, if you simply express your anger based on your emotions, it could cause a strain on your relationship with the other person.

What you should keep in mind here is "assertion."

By keeping a few points in mind, you can express your anger while still respecting yourself and the other person.

Three points to keep in mind to effectively communicate your anger

Here are three tips for expressing anger assertively:

Point 1: Express your anger in small doses before it grows too big

Anger levels can be broadly divided into three levels:

• Mild anger (unpleasant, scared, disagreeable, sad, embarrassed, etc.)

• Moderate anger (annoyed, annoyed, disagreeable, irritated, frustrated, etc.)

• Strong anger (mad, wanting revenge, boiling with anger, etc.)

Even if anger starts out as a weak anger, it will escalate if you suppress it without expressing it to the other person.

And the more angry you become, the more likely you are to find yourself unable to control your anger, such as not knowing what you are angry about.

When expressing anger, try to express it in small increments, while keeping it at a low level of anger.

If you do this before things heat up, it will be easier to express your thoughts effectively and the other person will be more likely to listen.

Point 2: Use "I" as the subject in "I" messages

"I" messages are expressions that use "I" as the subject. When expressing anger, you would say, "I am angry" or "I am annoyed," making it clear that the angry emotion is yours.

The counterpart to the "I" message is the "You" message.

In this case, "you" is the subject, and when applied to a message sent when you are angry, it tends to be expressed as "It's your fault" or "It's your fault."

It will be easier to understand which is more preferable if you imagine yourself in the position of the person being told this.

If someone says, "I'm angry," you can ask, "Why are you angry?"

On the other hand, if someone says, "It's your fault," you might get annoyed and not want to hear any more.

To leave room for communication with the other person, try to use "I" messages when expressing your anger.

Point 3: Organize your feelings and communicate them clearly using the DESC method

When your temper boils, you may become overwhelmed with emotions such as "I'm so angry!" or "I'm so irritated!" and lose the composure to think about why.

However, if you want to maintain a smooth relationship with the other person even when expressing anger, it is important to organize your thoughts and feelings and then communicate them clearly.

The "DESC (desk) method" is useful in such situations.

<Basic steps of the DESC method>

• State the facts objectively (D: Describe)

• Express your subjective feelings about the facts (E: Express)

• Specify the desired behavior, compromise, or solution (S)

• Respond to the other person's "YES" or "NO" response (C: Consequence)

That is, "How am I feeling right now?

So, I would like to suggest that you do this."

As an example, let's look at how a wife responds when a husband in a dual-income couple promises to wash the dishes every day, but then fails to do so for three days in a row.

<Conversation before using the DESC method>

Why haven't you washed the dishes today even though you promised?
You're the worst if you can't keep your promises.
I have time to play with my smartphone.
I work too, so why do I have to do all the housework?

<Conversation using the DESC method>

D: Today is the third day I haven't washed the dishes.
E: I know you're busy every day.
However, since he had promised, I was hoping that he would definitely do it.
S: (To her husband who is playing with his smartphone) Once you're done with that, can you do the laundry for me?
C: If you answer "YES (I understand)" → Thank you. That would be helpful.
If the answer is "NO (I can't)" → Then I'll wash it today, so can you wipe it for me?
If the answer is still "NO" → Then let's discuss the division of household chores again.

What do you think? Not only has your impression changed completely, but you've also become more assertive, expressing your own feelings while also respecting the other person's opinion.

As such, your proposal may not be accepted, so if you think of multiple options, you will be able to make new proposals and reach a compromise between the two parties.

The DESC method is useful not only when expressing anger, but also when negotiating or asking for favors. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, try to remember it.

Like stress, anger grows the longer you let it linger, which is why it's important to address it while it's still small.

It's important to be conscious of using assertive expressions and learn to deal with anger effectively.